Happy Birthday
by jaggergirl182
Summary: Finally a new chapter. Only two more to go and then the story is finished.
1. Surprise

This is my first story so I am a little nervous. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. I live in Australia so my knowledge of Washington D.C is pretty limited.

It is a Harm/Mac pairing with a fair amount of Webb bashing later on.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

Unknown Location

0900h Saturday

"Mackenzie." Lt. Col. Sarah Mackenzie quickly answered her cell.

"Mac, it's A.J." He didn't want to disturb her vacation but this was important.

"Uh, Admiral what can I do for you?" Mac was surprised, it wasn't often her C.O called her by her nickname.

"Come back to D.C." A.J. couldn't tell her the news over the phone. Frankly he didn't want to tell her full stop.

"Admiral, this isn't work related is it." Mac was thoroughly confused now. The Admiral had order Clay and herself to take this vacation, now he wanted her back in D.C.

"No Mac it's not. Mr. Rabb needs your help." Harm actually wasn't in a position to ask for anything, but…

"What's happened? Why does Harm need me?" At the mention of his name Sarah Mackenzie flashback to their last phone call.

FLASHBACK

Mac's apartment

2030h Thursday

"Mackenzie."

"Hi Sarah, It's Harm."

"Uh, Harm, Hi."

"Sorry I haven't returned your calls. I've had a lot to adjust to"

"Harm, I've called 17 times."

"I know and I'm sorry Sarah, but, uh, I was wondering if you would be able to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

"Sorry Harm, I'm busy. I'm going away for the weekend with Clay."

"I guess you're really together then."

"Yes we are which I might add is none of your concern."

"I know (sigh) Mac can we not make this phone call a fight."

"Sure Harm, but can we continue some other time. I have a lot of work to catch up on."

"Maybe, maybe not. Goodbye Sarah. Have a good vacation."

The conversation had been weird, but not alarming.

END OF FLASH BACK

"Mac, Mac! You still with me?"

"Yes sir!" Mac needed to focus on why Harm _needed_ her this time. "Just thinking about what Harm needs my help with." Concern was quickly changing to anger. He knew she was on vacation. Why did he need her now?

"Sir, with all due respect. He knew I was on vacation! Why does he need my help now? If this is just some jealous ploy to spend time with me, he is mistaken. I am not cutting my vacation short to help someone with whom I have barely spoken to in three months!"

Mac's voice has risen with each sentence and A.J. knew there would be no getting through to her in this state.

"Very well Colonel, I'll talk to when you return on Tuesday." A.J. didn't know what he would tell on Tuesday, but it maybe her last chance to talk to the man A.J knew still held her heart.

"Yes Sir, goodbye Sir." Whatever Harm needed her help for. It could wait.

Mac hung up the phone and walked out to the balcony were Clay was waiting. Just as she stepped outside the phone rang again.

Will he just let me enjoy my vacation!

"Harm I'm on vacation, can you leave me alone." One very angry marine answered that phone.

"Uh ma'am it's Harriet." She knew the results the Admiral's phone call had had. She just hoped that maybe Mac might listen to her.

"Oh Harriet I'm sorry. I just got of the phone with the Admiral, telling me some bullshit story about Harm needing me right now!" If it had been Harm, Mac may have just exploded.

"Uh ma'am the Admiral wasn't bull-shiting you." Harriet couldn't remember a time when the Rabb-Mackenzie duo didn't want to help each other out.

"Look Harriet. I am on vacation with my boyfriend, enjoying myself. I am not going to return to D.C because Harm has finally decided to talk to me. I've moved on."

Mac was getting angrier by the second. So Harriet switched to mum mode.

"Sarah! Listen to me. Did it ever occur to you that Comm…Harm might not know about these phone calls? That the Admiral who isn't on speaking terms with Harm called you? And that you're caller ID doesn't recognize this number?

"No Harriet, I'm sorry." Mac's anger was once again changing to concern.

"Let me spell this out to you ma'am. Harm is in the emergency room at Bethesda, he tried to kill himself and nearly succeeded, except for Bud, who remembered that it was his birthday and went to check on him.

He had a letter with your name on it and after reading my letter I think you should read yours. Maybe you haven't had any contact with the Commander since your return, but this very well could be your last chance.

As for being on vacation with your boyfriend, bring him along. He warranted a letter.

I will come done there and pick you up if I have to but please remember this is the man that used to be your best friend."

Harriet and Mac were both in tears at the end and Mac felt like the world was crashing down around her shoulders.

"I'll be there as soon as I can Harriet, I'm sorry." Mac felt about 2 feet tall, after the before display of pride.

"That's fine ma'am just hurry." Harriet was glad she had finally gotten through to the stubborn marine.

With that Mac ended the connection and started to throw her clothes into a suitcase.

"Whoa Sarah, what's going on?" Special Agent Clayton Webb asked his girlfriend.

"Harm's at Bethesda, you and I have to get there. I'll explain in the car." Mac knew that Clay wouldn't be happy but she had to see him.

"Okay, but it better be good."


	2. BIrthday Cards

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

Unknown Road

Heading towards Washington D.C

1100h

"Now tell me Sarah. Why in the middle of our vacation did you decide to up it back to Washington." Clayton Webb just knew this sudden behavior had something to do with Rabb.

"Harm tried to kill himself and we have to go back to see him." The words tumbled out of her mouth in a rush. Sarah Mackenziedid not have a pre-disposition towards panic, but this was Harm.

"WHAT? Sarah slow down, now tell me exactly what happened." Harmon Rabb may have been his rival for Sarah's affection but the man was a friend. Plus he needed to find out if this was somehow his fault.

"Last night, Harm tried to kill himself, but Bud found him. He…It was his birthday and we all forgot. God he needed me and I rejected him." Mac was thoroughly ashamed with her behavior earlier. She needed to get back to D.C. To reach out to her best friend, just like he had reached out to her so many times in the past.

"But Sarah, you haven't talked to him in months, this isn't your fault. Rabb wasn't recorded as being unstable." Clayton Webb couldn't understand how the company shrinks had missed this.

"What do you mean recorded? What happened to him out there?" Mac could smell cover up. If this was because of the CIA they better have some good answers.

"Well Sarah you knew Harm was flying for us, but he did something's against company procedure and he had to be terminated. The company shrinks checked him out and cleared him to re-enter society." Webb knew Sarah would take this as his fault, but he had had no choice.

"Webb, what happened out there? Why is my former best-friend lying in a hospital room about to die?" Harm may have not been her favorite person, but they had so much history. She had to find out, for her own sanity.

"On his last mission, Rabb stopped to help a young girl. She was not a target and therefore a liability as she had seen our agents. We had to neutralize her. Rabb should not have stopped to help her. It compromised the mission." Sarah Mackenzie would not understand this attitude. She was too much like Rabb. She cared too much.

"You murdered a child in front of him. No wonder he lost it. Don't you people have a conscious?" Mac knew what that sort of thing would do to Harm. She had let him go and it had destroyed him.

"There was no choice Sarah. It had to be done. It's not like we enjoyed it." People like Rabb and Sarah couldn't understand his job.

"Whatever, Webb. Save it, Harm left a letter for you. Just read it when we get there. Until then don't talk to me." Clayton Webb had abused her trust for the last time. She had asked him to keep her updated on Harm, but he had failed her.

BETHESDA HOSPTIAL

WASHINGTON D.C

WAITING ROOM

"She has to come soon, Bud, he loved her. They hurt each other so many times, can she come back and mend his broken heart." Harriet was overcome with guilt and anguish. Harmon Rabb had been her mentor and elder brother, but she had left him. Cut him loose and watched him drift away.

"They have had their fair share of broken hearts. Maybe this time was one too many. Colonel Mackenzie has been hurt by Comm…Harm a lot to." Bud could not shake the image of his elder brother/mentor/friend lying on the ground covered in blood. He had seen so many terrible things in his career, but this hit to close to home.

"Bud, look, she came. She's here." Harriet pointed to the fast approaching figure of Sarah Mackenzie.

"Harriet, Bud, Admiral. Sorry about my behavior earlier. I jumped to conclusions and now I feel terrible." Mac was so worried about their response to her behavior.

"Ma'am don't worry. You're here now that's what matters." Harriet knew they would all need each other to get through this.

"Mac, now you're here I think you should read this. The doctors said they wouldn't be back for at least two hours." A.J handed Mac a beautiful rose print envelope. "Oh and give this one to Webb." He gave Mac another letter, not nearly so nicely wrapped.

"Thank-you Admiral. I think I'll read this out side." Mac took the letters and turned to leave the waiting area, but running into Clayton Webb.

"Here, this is your letter. Go read it, but not near me." Mac knew Clay had a job to do, but this letter could be her last link to Harmon Rabb Junior.

She wandered into the hospital grounds, until finally settling underneath an oak tree. A quick flick of her nails and pages of Harm's final words were open to her.


	3. Mac's Letter

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

BETHESDA GARDENS

1200h

Dear Sarah,

You always said it wasn't goodbye, only good luck. I guess the time for a final goodbye has come.

I can never find the right words to tell you how I feel. So in my final words to you, I need to get us on the same page. The minute I saw you, I knew. I knew that you were one of a kind, an angel to save my soul. One smile from you and my heart was whole again. Your eyes held so much sadness, Marine. I wanted to hold you in my arms and take that pain away, but I knew protecting you from the future wouldn't heal the past. I didn't doubt your strength as a marine or as a woman. I knew you could handle whatever life threw at you. I failed you Sarah. I couldn't help you; all the times you cried (which wasn't many) I failed. I couldn't heal your pain. I only added to it. I remember every time I hurt you, but I also remember every time we kissed and I saw your beautiful smile.

I have spent the last eight years trying to coax that smile onto your face. I guess it is something else I have failed at.

When we kissed at the dock, I wasn't kissing Diane. I told you I was, but, God marine I knew what I was doing. I just didn't know if you wanted it as much as I did.

I hope you know that I love you, but as I have failed to tell you I guess you don't. I've always loved you, from the very first time you smiled. It took me along time to understand my love for you. I always knew you were the sexiest goddamn women on the planet, but at the NATO ball I realized just how much I wanted to take you home and make you smile again.

We danced around our feelings, our emotions without ever touching.

Up in the Appalachians I came so close to losing you, so very close. I knew from then on I loved you, yet once again I failed. I failed to save you, failed to tell you I loved you, but most importantly I failed to make you smile. I pulled back from then on. I pulled back until I was worthy of loving you, but even in pulling back I hurt you. I hurt you with Coster, with my comments, but mostly with my return to flying.

Sarah you weren't the only one crying that day. I was dying at the thought of leaving you. I needed to go back; I had to get my dad out of my system so that I could return solely to you. I thought about you everyday up there, every flight. You were my reason for living Sarah and my reason for dying.

I never meant to hurt you, but I just can't seem to stop making you cry. I never was good enough for you. In Australia I wasn't ready, I wasn't good enough. I failed. I said "not yet" I was waiting to be perfect, waiting in the shadows until I could give you every thing you deserved. Mick came along and gave you everything I couldn't. I watched you walk away; I gave up without a fight. He made you smile Mac. I couldn't stop that. He succeeded and I failed.

Yet he left you and you saved me. You didn't just pluck me from the ocean, you saved my soul. I got a second chance to win you back. I tried and I tried Sarah. I tried so very hard. I pushed and you pulled. We were finally working. I loved you with every fiber of my being, and I thought you loved me back. We were so close in Afghanistan, but once again I failed. I failed to hold on and we lost it all, we circled like vultures around our despair. We lost each other.

I didn't kill Singer, how could anyone think I had killed a pregnant woman? It destroyed me Sarah. I waited and waited but no one came. I was all alone in there with just my thoughts for company. Did you all believe I had killed her? Did you just not want to see me? I had no idea what to think. Then it was over. I was exonerated and everyone expected things to go on exactly as before. They couldn't understand what had happened in there. I was treated like a common criminal. To them I was the scum of the earth. I lost control and I couldn't cope. So I pulled away again. I watched you dance away from me again.

Then you went missing in Paraguay. When the Admiral told me you had gone missing I almost died. You were my world Sarah and we thought you were dead. I couldn't lose you. I had to find the truth. I didn't care what the cost. I just knew I had to get you back. I resigned my commission and came to find you. I failed once again, you didn't need my help. You had Webb; he protected you, opened up to you, and did all the things I couldn't. I still put you in danger after I got you out. I'm arsenic Sarah, poison, destroying everyone and everything that I touch. When you were hurt in the crash I didn't know what to say. You had Webb and he had almost died trying to protect you. I crashed a plane with you in it and walked away with a concussion. I had failed to make you smile once again.

So I left, I drifted off, trying to forget your face, your laugh, your smile. I couldn't forget. You haunted my dreams, your pain reminding me of my failure. Webb told me how happy you two were, how much you smiled, how much better he was then me. I believed him because he gave you something I couldn't. He made you smile.

So now I say goodbye Sarah my love. I do not blame you for this. I still and will always love you, but I have failed. I had to watch them kill a child. I lost the small piece of my heart that wasn't yours. I am a broken man Sarah. I have nothing left. You don't need or want me. Harriet, Bud and AJ have never needed me. You were all my family and now you have grown up. There is no place for me in your future.

Go be happy Sarah. Live the life you deserve, but never mourn for me. I don't deserve it. I have failed you, I have failed everyone.

Be happy with Webb, smile everyday. He doesn't deserve you, but he's yours. Let him give you everything you ever wanted.

As I leave you tonight, don't remember me as the failure that gave his soul away. Search and find one good memory of me, if you can. Hold onto that and maybe in the next world I won't fail.

I will love you forever,

My Princess, Jarhead, Ninja-Girl, Marine, Mac…Sarah

"Oh God Harm, what have we done to you?" A sobbing Sarah Mackenzie called out to the world that just wasn't listening


	4. Webb's Letter

Sorry guys this chapter is Webb based, but I promise next chapter will be Harm/Mac. Thanks for all the reviews; I'm glad you like the story. It may be a couple of days until the next chapter is up (I usually write during science, but I got busted) I will have the next chapter up by Sunday (In Australia).

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

BETHESDA GARDENS

1200h

Harmon Rabb was a friend. They had had their differences but he had respected the man, until now. Webb couldn't understand why the great "Harmon Rabb Jnr" had taken the easy way out. He knew all that Harm had lost, but still why did he choose to give up? Webb knew he would have to read his letter; he had to know why Rabb had taken the coward's way out.

Webb,

You never really came clean. You always hid things from us. That has got to change, don't you dare fail Sarah like I did.

We both love the same woman. We always acknowledged it, both of us trying to protect her no matter what the cost. She chose you Webb, don't let her get hurt. You don't deserve her, neither of us did, but she is yours. Do not screw it up. I can't watch her heart break again.

On our first case you just appeared out of nowhere. By the end of the case I'm pretty sure we both wanted to deck you. You did come through though, in your own "need to know way". We formed an uneasy friendship.

I never fully trusted you; I would have been stupid to, you worked for the CIA. I did respect you Webb. I respected all you had sacrificed for your country.

In Russia, you helped us again. I don't think I can ever repay you for your help. I don't know why you did it, probably another of you "need to know" spy tactics. You had a lot of them, some of them more disturbing than others.

Hell you even pretended to be dead. I have to tell you I was actually quite upset about that. Not about you lying to us, about the fact that you could have been dead. Surprising isn't it, the way things turn out.

You came back though, we were actually happy, disappointed but happy. So we continued on. You used Mac and I for many different and dangerous situations, almost getting us killed so many times. That was the only time when I hated you. When you put Sarah in danger, I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive you if she got hurt.

This leads me to Paraguay, and the god awful mess that occurred there. She knew the risks I have no doubt about that, but she was a marine, she would never back down from a challenge. You knew this and you abused it. I don't know exactly what happened down there, but I know you protected her. Thank-you for that, for saving her, doing the one thing I was unable to do. She chose you then, you had done all things I had failed at. She chose you and I accept that. It broke my heart into a thousand tiny pieces but I accepted her decision. I accepted her decision but I couldn't face it, I ran, I ran like I always do. I don't know why but you gave me a job. Thank-you for that, but I couldn't survive living your life. I am not ruthless; I can't switch my feelings on and off.

That little girl needed help and you killed her. Just shot like she was a paper target. I used to wake up screaming, remembering the crimson fountain spurting from her chest. Do you get nightmares Webb, do wake up terrified that somehow you have lost your soul? I did. I was not like you I couldn't cope. I failed and I lost my heart and my soul.

Goodbye Webb, you were a friend, a rival, a ghost. Love her like she is the most precious thing on the planet, because to me she was. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize, what your job has turned you into, but I doubt it.

Goodbye,

Commander Harmon Rabb Junior.

Clayton Webb sat in shock. He had not known just how much his lifestyle differed from Rabb's. He had sat back and watched as Harm had destroyed himself. It wasn't something he was proud of and he was pretty sure he would regret it for the rest of his life. He had always known that Harm wasn't CIA material, but he had wanted to see if he could cope. He obviously couldn't. For all his knowledge and privileged information, Clayton Webb had failed to understand real people.

Then there was Sarah. Rabb had been right; they were both in love with the same woman. Yet she had chosen him, and whatever happened he had beaten Rabb, he had got Sarah and she was his. He wasn't going to marry her or anything stupid like that. He didn't want children or a family, but Sarah could accept that, she loved him.

Now he needed to go find Sarah and tell her to say goodbye. She didn't need to be here while Rabb died. As he said himself, he had failed her. She needed to go back with him. She had her letter, now Rabb needed to finally let her go, so she could come home with him.


	5. Promises

Hey guys, thanks for all the great reviews. It has been really supportive. I'm glad you all like the plot. I wanted to do something a bit different, because I was sick of Harm being strong for Mac. Let him have some problems! I guess it is highly unlikely that Harm would kill himself, but I thought it could work.

This chapter is pretty Clay/Mac but not in a nice, romantic way. Have fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

Bethesda Gardens

1400h

As the tears finally started to thin, Mac looked up at her surroundings. She was sitting in a rose garden. Great! She was about to come full circle. She would lose Harm in the same manner as they had met.

"Damn it Mackenzie, don't think like that. He is going to pull through." The positive voice said.

"Yeah, he may be physically fine, but mentally…" The little voice of doubt highlighted.

"SHUT UP!" Sarah Mackenzie couldn't deal with the warring consciences. Her best friend, who so obviously loved her, was lying in surgery. Strangers were trying to save him for a life that he didn't want to live. Mac made a promise then, she would be there when he woke up. She would be right next to him, where she was most needed, like he had been so many years before.

She would teach him to trust, to love and slowly piece his soul back together. He had failed her, but she had also failed him. Life was full of disappointments; she had learnt this the hard way. He had called out for help so extremely, she would answer that call.

Because no matter how deep she buried her heart, no matter how many walls she built around her soul, he had found a way in. He was a part of her and couldn't let that go, let him go, because she loved him to.

"Hey Sarah!" Clay had been wandering through the gardens looking for Sarah. He knew she hadn't wanted to see him before, but she had had time to read her letter.

"Clay, didn't I tell you to leave me alone." Mac was raw; she really didn't want to deal with Webb at the moment.

"I know Sarah, but now you have made peace with Harm I thought you might need someone to talk to." By the time he had finished this sentence he had one arm around her shoulders and was moving to kiss her on the check.

"Webb, what part of leave me the hell alone didn't you get?" Mac slipped out of his grasp and was now yelling at him from two metres away.

"Look Sarah, I know you're hurting but Rabb wouldn't have wanted you to be upset. He told me that you had chosen me and I had to look after you. That's what I am here to do." Clay kept trying to get close but Mac kept backing away.

"Webb, listen to me and listen well. I didn't choose you. I thought I didn't have a choice. You were there and Harm wasn't. Oh by the way that is his name HARM not Rabb. Anyway, I didn't know he was an option, but now I do I'm changing my choice." Mac was shaking with anger and pain. Harm had thought she truly loved Clay and he had let her go.

"Sarah, you don't mean that. Harm is probably going to die. You can't change that, you have to let him go. Come home with me. You know you love me. We can take vacations anytime you want, I can buy you all the things you never had." Clay needed for her to understand that she needed him.

"He is not going to die. Look I don't want to go with you. You're not what I want. I don't care about vacations or presents. What about marriage, children, growing old together? Did you even think about my feelings when you decided that I _needed_ you?" How dare he! She knew he wasn't the most loving person on the planet, but she had never expected this.

"Sarah you know I don't want marriage or children. If you love me you would accept this. I did think of your feelings. In Paraguay you kissed me and since then we have got very close. I was there when no one else was. I got tortured to protect you. Sarah please, come home with me." Webb couldn't understand her change in attitude. She was in debt to him, she had to love him.

"I'm going to say this once and for all. I love Harm. He was there for me when no one else was, not you. Yes we went through an extremely traumatic experience together, but that didn't make me fall in love with you. Yes you were tortured to protect me. God I am so grateful for that, but Clay I don't love you the way I do Harm. He is my life, tied to me in more ways than you can possibly imagine. Yes I do love you, but in a friendly, thankful way. I was so caught up in trying to love you I forgot the two most important people in my life, Harm and myself. To find happiness we need to be together, like we have been for the last eight years. I don't know if you can understand that, but you are going to have to accept it. I love Harm, and we have wasted so much time waiting and wondering. When he wakes up, and he will, I am going to be there. We are going to get our happy ending." Mac had pulled on her best marine façade, Clay needed to be told and she didn't want him to miss a word.

"But Sarah! We had such a good time together." Clayton Webb just couldn't understand her feelings on this subject.

"Webb, there is no way in hell that I am leaving this hospital with you, don't even try it. I love Harm and you can not change that. Leave now, before I have to physically remove you from these grounds, and I will." Didn't he get the fact she didn't want him.

"If that's the way you feel about, then I guess we're through. Go back to your flyboy, but don't come crawling to me when it doesn't work out." Webb wasn't really upset about losing Sarah, when he thought about she really was quiet troublesome, but why did it have to be Rabb!

"Just leave, Webb. No one here needs you. Go find someone who you can be happy with what you're offering. Just please leave me in peace." She could believe she had ever thought she loved that man.

Clayton Webb knew when to make a strategic retreat. This was one of those times. He turned on his heel and left the crying marine behind him. She could go to her 'flyboy' he didn't need to hang around to watch Rabb die.

"Thank God, he finally left." Mac thought as she watched the retreating back of the spook. Now I just have to go wait for Harm to get out of surgery.

So Mac left the rose garden, her heart considerably lighter than when she had entered. She was back in marine mode, focused on a single goal. Finding Harm and convincing him he hadn't failed her.


	6. Hoping and Praying

Hey guys, I finally finished this chapter. I have the next chapter almost written, so it should be up soon. Sorry for the delay, but school just got really hectic. Have fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

Bethesda Hospital

1500h

As Mac made her way back towards the waiting room, she started to think, again. Remembering every moment she had spent with Harm, some bad, but the majority of memories were happy.

"Why Harm? I know from your letter the reasons, but why couldn't you turn to me?" Mac knew the answer, deep down she knew. Her words in Paraguay had almost severed their connection. A connection built on eight years of friendship, trust and love. He knew he had also been to blame, but she had to take some responsibility.

Her biggest mistake had been kissing Webb. The only reason she had done that was to shut him up, and maybe to say than-you. That hadn't really turned out that well. Harm had turned green with envy and clammed up. They didn't actually talk to each other for the rest of the trip. Even when they had crashed he hadn't talked to her.

Mac couldn't believe what she had done; she had taken Harm's silence as rejection, when really it had been fear, stark raving fear. This revelation was tearing her soul to shreds.

"Ma'am, Ma'am, over here!" Harriet called out across the room.

Mac steeled herself for what was about to happen. "Harriet, any news yet?" Mac hoped and prayed she hadn't waited too long.

"No, not yet, but the doctor should be out in few minutes." Harriet's eyes were red rimmed from crying, but Mac knew what she was asking. What had her letter said?

"Oh God Harriet, what have we done?" Mac didn't want to show weakness, but she needed her friend.

Harriet drew Mac into her arms. Giving her the best 'mum' hug possible, letting her cry for the love she could have lost forever.

"I don't know what was wrong before ma'am. Our letters just told us how much he loved us. I know what we are going to do when he gets out though. We are going to show him all the love he didn't know we felt." Harriet's words went straight to Mac's heart. She knew everything would turn out okay. It had to; if Harm died her heart would to.

Bud and the Admiral noticed Mac pulling away from Harriet and went to join the two women.

"Ah, you seem to be missing a boyfriend Colonel?" A.J was offended but not surprised by the absence of the spook.

"We had a difference in opinion, sir." Mac knew they would want the truth, but her eyes begged them to drop it.

"Very well Colonel." A.J didn't require her to spill her guts. He only wanted an answer. "I guess we just wait now for news on Mr. Rabb."

A.J would never let it show but this was tearing him up inside. Harm had been like a son to him. Sure they had had their disagreements but A.J had trusted the younger officer completely. When Rabb had resigned his commission it had cut, not that he had run off to save Mac. A.J would have done that himself if he could, but for not trusting him to find a military way to do it.

None of that mattered now, not with yesterday's events. Harm didn't hate him, but A.J hated himself. He had watched so many 'Nam buddies walk down the dark road of self harm. Yet A.J had failed to see the signs in his own staff. He should have none what the C.I.A would do to Rabb, but he had been so caught up in his own hurt to see the pain of others.

"Who's is here for Harmon Rabb?" A doctor who looked like she had come straight from surgery called out into the waiting room.

They all stood and walked towards the doctor. A.J and Mac walked in front followed by the two Robert's.

Captain Tara Schultz had seen enough suicides in her time to know, the family and friends of Mr. Rabb would have a long haul ahead of them. Harmon Rabb was one lucky man judging by the looks of the people in front of her. Yet maybe they had only come to his aid now that he had called out for help. Whatever their reasons the prominent group before her needed answers. She recognised Rear Admiral Chedwiggen and Lt. Colonel Mackenzie from the television, but she could tell the younger couple were also military. All the people in front of her held the same equally concerned look for her patient. Judging by the look on the Colonel's face, there was a fair but of love for the commander on her side.

"The Commander is a very lucky man, so it seems. Thanks to the emergency treatment he received he has not sustained any permanent brain damage. We have pumped his stomach to remove the alcohol, but we're more worried about the pain killers in his blood stream. We will monitor him for a further week just to make sure he doesn't relapse." The Captain stopped there to see how the family was holding up. Having a friend/family member commit suicide was extremely traumatic, especially if they survived. It had been touch and go with the commander for a while, but he had pulled through. Seemed his body couldn't give up what his mind wanted to.

"Is that all ma'am." The tear stained Colonel asked.

"No Colonel. He is attached to a ventilator to help him regain his strength. You will be able to see him one at a time once he is moved to Critical Care. He is still unconscious and I must warn you, it looks worse than it is, physically. He may not wake up I have to tell you this. He will still be alive, but what is common with suicide survivors is that they lapse into a coma by will. I can tell from your presence that you don't want this to happen to the Commander, therefore I advise you to sit ad talk to him. When he wakes he needs to hear that people are there for him. I would rather not have to bring him back twice." With all these people there for him she could not understand why he wouldn't wake but she needed to take all possible precautions. "If you move upstairs to the western wing, I will have the nurses tell you when you can see him. Good luck." Captain Schultz turned to leave hoping and praying that the Commander would realise he was not alone and accept the love from his family and friends.

"Thank-you Captain." Mac knew the road was going to be tough, but they could make it together.

"You're more than welcome Colonel; just go teach Commander Rabb to love again." The love the Colonel felt for the Commander was almost palpable, Tara just hoped that they both realised it in time.

With that the Captain walked out of someone else's life, hoping and praying that she would never have to see them in the same position again.


	7. Author's Note

Hey guys. A pretty common thread that I'm getting in my reviews is that I left a lot of stuff out. So I thought I would have a go at answering some of the major things. I will be working parts of this into my story so if you can wait for most of the answers don't read this. I just thought I would put it in because I'm a pretty impatient person myself.

I know I said Harm was covered in blood, but that was from Bud's point of view. In case you didn't guess Harm overdose of whiskey and painkillers. In cases of severe alcohol poisoning you cough or throw up blood, thus causing the "covered in blood line." Alcohol and prescription drugs are both depressants (lowering the power of the central nervous system) in Harm's case this lead to a collapsed lung (he was on a respirator). He needed to get his stomach pumped to remove the un-digested alcohol from his stomach and stop further damage. The doctor was worried about brain damage because of the lack of oxygen he suffered due to the collapsed lung, also prescription painkillers when taken in excess can literally fry your brain cells causing brain damage

I haven't finished the story yet, but I know were it is going. Don't worry about it too much. I am not going to turn this into a totally unbelievable sappy romance story. No one wakes up happy after trying to kill themselves and failing. They don't want to live now any more than they did before. I am trying to make this story some what believable so don't expect everything to turn out perfectly (nothing in life ever does)

In Australia we have only seen up until the middle of season nine, and Mac's actions during most of these episodes hasn't always been the best. So at the moment she isn't my favorite character in the show, therefore I am not going to turn her into some God that will save Harm from himself.

I live in Brisbane, Australia and you have no idea how hard it is to try and find a map of Washington D.C online. Because of this I took a bit of creative license and used the only hospital in D.C that I know of. I thought that maybe Bud could have requested that Harm be taken to Bethesda as it was a military hospital and Bud didn't know that Harm was no longer in the CIA.

I think that answers most of the questions I have been asked, but if you want to know anything extra please email me at this is my first story so any thing you think I am missing please tell me.

Thanks,

Tara (jaggergirl182)


	8. Pieces of the Heart

Sorry I took so long to post this chapter, but it took a while to write and my life sort of got in the way. Thanks for all the reviews and feedback I really appreciate it. I hope you like this chapter. It is heading more towards that H/M interaction you all want so badly. Enough talk, go read and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own or have any ties to Bellasario Productions or the characters of JAG.

Bethesda Hospital

Room 2811

Bud had watched his senior officers' dance around their feelings forever. He had watched them hurt each other, love each other, but most of all run from each other. He may be quiet but he wasn't as oblivious as everyone thought. He knew their feeling for each other and he knew their mistakes.

They had helped him through so much and now it was his time to be in control. He would be asking the questions and he was going to get some straight answers. He was going to get Mac to see that she had to be the strong one now. It was Harm's turn to be weak and Bud was going to make sure that Harm had someone to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul.

Bud pulled Mac over to the side of the corridor. Now would be his time for answers.

"Ma'…Mac I am about to tell you something's that you may not like, but please promise to hear me out." Mac looked concerned, but motioned Bud to continue.

"Commander Rabb has been my friend, as long he has been yours, so I have gotten to know him just as well as you have. Now I know Harm loves you and I am pretty sure that you love him but I can't watch you to hurt each other anymore. You both have helped Harriet and me so much, and now it's my turn to repay you. Harriet and Admiral Chegwidden may have forgiven you for your behavior on the phone, but I need to make sure that you are here for the right reasons. Before you knew Harm was hurt, you were quite willing to tell him to go to hell. Now I know that a lot has changed in the last 24 hours, but you can't be here out of obligation or friendship. Harm needs you to love and accept him, for all his flaws and secrets. You haven't accepted his decisions ever before, but you have to accept him now.

The Robert's family can not lose either of its extended family members, but I can't watch you break each others hearts again." Bud was upset that it had come to this, but he knew that Harm wasn't all to blame for the convoluted relationship between his two mentors. Harriet and the Admiral had forgiven Mac on sight, but Bud needed to know she would stay for eternity.

"Bud, thank-you for your concern, but you need not doubt me. I will stand by Harm, whatever happens." Bud's words had angered Mac, how could he not trust her?

"I need to hear you say it Mac. I need all the reasons you will be here. It was the best lesson you taught Harriet and I. Communicate and clear the air, before embarking on a new journey. I need to make sure that you will be there to catch Harm this time. Because I think you realize by now, that no one is ever there to be strong for Harm."

Bud was guilty over what had happened, Harm had treated him like a brother, but he had been so caught up in his own world to notice his friend. This attitude had come to and end. After walking in to Harm's apartment and seeing his lifeless lying on the couch surrounded by empty whiskey bottles strew all over the coffee table, Bud had made a promise. He would be there for Harm; he would watch his back and help his oldest friend pull himself out of the hell hole his life had become.

"Bud, I think you are starting to get a tad personal. Most of these things I haven't even told Harm yet, so I don't think I could tell you." Bud's concern for Harm was touching, but Mac didn't feel his concern was necessary.

"Mac, I don't want to do this, but I will not let you into Harm's room until you can tell me all the reasons why you will stay. If you can't tell them to me as a friend, pretend I am Harm and tell these things to him. I need to know that you can say it and that you mean it." Bud knew he was overreacting but, if Mac couldn't admit out loud that she loved Harm, how would she be able to tell Harm.

"What do you want me to say Bud? That I love him? I do, I love him with all my heart and soul. I didn't realize it until I was faced with the real prospect of losing him, but he is my heart. I couldn't survive without him." Mac had started to understand what Bud wanted her to say, but why did she have to pour her heart out to Bud, why not Harm.

"Thank-you Mac, but I need more. If you letter was anything like mine, it was pages upon pages of Harm's mistakes in relation to us. I need to hear your mistakes. You need to acknowledge your part in this. I am not blaming you for anything. You both share equally blame for you relationship of lack thereof. Equal blame, therefore you need to admit you mistakes so that you can try not to make the same mistake again.

I know you view admitting your mistakes as a weakness, so I am not asking you to bare you soul to me. I am simply asking that you show remorse and regret for the past and a willingness to change." Bud knew he was getting to her. She needed to say this as much as he needed to hear it.

"Okay Bud. I sort of understand where you are going with this. I do share the blame for what has happened to our relationship. I know I come across as the ice-queen, mega-bitch but that is not who I am. I do feel, I do cry, I do bleed. Harm is the only person that has ever seen me like that. Every time I fell down he picked me up, dusted me off and got me going again. I don't think I ever stopped to thank him for that. Actually I don't think I ever stopped to thank him at all."

Mac was on a roll. Bud was pretty sure she wasn't talking to him anymore. Rather she was simply voicing her thoughts out loud.

"He was always right behind me, ready to pick up the pieces. He never even asked for anything in return. I threw myself at men who blatantly showed that they wanted me. I needed to make Harm see what he had to do to get me. I didn't realize until too late that I was changing Harm into something else, someone else from the man I had fallen in love with. He was always apologizing to me, always expecting that he was in the wrong. Sometimes he was, but I never took responsibility for my actions. I blamed my responses on anyone other than myself. I never stopped to think about what I was doing.

I am going to change Bud. I can't let him take responsibility for all the hurt. I have finally got to become the marine I have been trying to be. I will not back down from this. It will be painful and I know I am going to need your help to get us through, but I am going to stay with him. I will be the one that picks up the parts of Harm's broken heart and slowly pieces him back together." Mac was shocked at her openness, but she realized how right Bud had been to make her say it. She had a battle plan and she was going to stick to it without fail.

"Thank-you Mac. I believe we all needed to hear it. We have along road ahead of us, but for the man lying in that hospital room we need to walk it together." Bud had finally got to say his piece to his mentor and friend. He knew that somehow, someday they would all be able to look back on this event as one of hope not despair, but that day was still a distant dream.

"Bud, you have grown. I will never be able to look at you the same. Thank-you for opening my eyes to my own mistakes, I promise I will not let Harm walk into his future alone." Mac had underestimated their young charge. He was now a fully-fledged man, who had accomplished much more personal success than herself and Harm combined. They had a lot to learn from the happiness of the Roberts family.

Mac and Bud moved away from the corner of the corridor in which they had been talking. Harriet and A.J had been talking to the nurses and now they turned to the two incoming officers.

"We are able to see Mr. Rabb singly for five minutes each, while he is unconscious. When he wakes from the surgery, we will have to be with him constantly. That should happen in a couple of days as he is currently being sedated." A.J knew they would all have a long journey ahead, but it was their chance to finally make peace with Harm.

"I will go in first so as to check on his condition, I would then like Harriet to visit, then Bud and finally Mac. This is so that you two can spend a slightly longer time with Harm." A.J then left is officers at the nurse's station and walked in to see his brother-in-arms.

Mac watched as Bud exited Harm's room. She knew it was her time to see him. The first time she would lay eyes on him in six months and it was yet again in a hospital room. She had promised Bud, Harm and herself that she would do this, and she wasn't about to break that sort of promise.

Bravely she pushed through the door. Seeing him so helpless almost broke her heart. He had a tube down his throat and he seemed to millions of wires connecting him to myriad of different machines.

"Hey Flyboy, I know you can't hear me but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I bet you never thought you would hear me say that but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever doubting your love or your commitment. I'm sorry for leaving you, for not believing in you, for lying, for running but most of all for forgetting. I let one incident blind me from all the good things. I let one broken promise, destroy all the times you had stood by me. I'm sorry for everything.

I am not leaving you again Harm. You may rant, rave, scream, cry or not say anything at all but I won't leave. I have hurt you too many times to walk away. I have let you fall every time. You have saved me from myself so many times. Now it is my turn.

I am not pretending to be prepared. I'm scared shitless about the future, but there is another three people outside this room that will help you help yourself. You may never trust me again and I don't see why you should, but just give me one more chance and I will prove my worth. I need you Harm, I never told you that before but I do. You are my heart, my soul and I have finally realized your importance in my life.

I love you Harm! I always wanted you to say it first, but I guess I never gave you a chance to. I never gave you any reason to believe your feelings were reciprocated. I only opened up to you when I knew we were in no position to have a relationship together. And I accused you of only pursuing me when I had a foot out the door!

I'm here now Harm and I love you! I am going to prove that I am worth it. I'm going to show you that we can have the happy ending we dreamed of. I will help you put the pieces of you heart back together."

With that Mac turned and exited the hospital room. She would wait out in the waiting room until she could see him again. She wasn't leaving, not this time and she knew she would have good company while she waited. Harm may have not realized it but, there was three very concerned military officers waiting for him.

Waiting to help the man that had been their anchor, hoping to give some strength back to their love.son.brother.mentor.guide.saviour…friend.


	9. Run Rabb Run

A.N: Hey everyone, I am so sorry about the wait on the next chapters. My life has got really hectic and I couldn't find time to write any more. I only have three chapters left (including this one) so hang in a little bit longer and the story will be finished.

Disclaimer: I have no holding over JAG and I am not profiting from this story (Oh but one can hope).

**Chapter 9 – Run Rabb Run**

He didn't need their pity. He wasn't good enough before this, so he sure as hell wasn't good enough now. Why didn't he die? That was all he wanted, he was sick of fighting, sick of trying to be strong. He wanted his life back and it was now far beyond his grasp. His JAG life was gone, leaving a gapping hole in his heart. His CIA life hadn't been living, it had been subsisting until his actually life settled down, but that hadn't worked either. The world hadn't waited until he was ready, it had marched on and now he was left in its disastrous wake.

She had not deserved to die, she was innocent. Her life had not yet had the chance to blossom. He was responsible for that. He may not have pulled the trigger, but he was responsible. He had failed to save her and ultimately led to her death. Webb had been right; he wasn't the right person to have on a mission. He wasn't the right person to have anywhere.

For the last year he had failed everyone he had known. He had failed to be a friend, a god-father, a brother, a son, a lover. He wasn't fit to be anything to anyone.

This thought led back to his current situation. Mac was resting in the chair next to his bed. Her fingers were interlocked with his, and he could tell she had been crying. He hated it when she cried; her pain nearly broke him in half. He reached out to stroke her hair. He knew he shouldn't be doing it, but he needed to touch her before she woke up and turned her pity filled eyes upon him. He knew she would want to help him, but he couldn't let her. He didn't want her last images of him to be bad. He needed her to still like him. He would go out to Grandma Sarah's. She was about the only person in the world he could trust, except Mac, but he couldn't have her, so it was just Grandma Sarah.

He hadn't noticed but while he was thinking he had been running his fingers through Mac's hair. This gentle pressure had awoken Mac, but after seeing his lost look she pretended to still be asleep. She knew he didn't want her there, but they were letting him out of the hospital today. There was no physical reason to keep him here, but he couldn't stay alone. What he didn't realize was that he wasn't alone; she was in for the long haul. With that she started to drift off again, but Harms voice stopped her.

"Mac?" His voice was soft, but tight, not revealing any of his thoughts.

"Yes, Harm." Mac sat up, immediately missing his nearness.

"Uh Mac, would you be able to leave. I have got to get outside for a bit." He didn't want her to know where he was going, he needed to escape, maybe it was running, but he needed this.

'Okay, but I'll still be here when you get back." She wasn't going to disappear this time, she was in too deep.

So Mac turned and left the room, she would go out and reassure all Harm's extremely concerned friends and wait until he got back.

**Bethesda Gardens**

Harriet had stopped by his apartment, bringing with her new clothes, a CD player and his cell. So he punched in the number to Grandma's Sarah's hoping she was in the house.

"Hello, Sarah Rabb." She was at home, good.

"Hey Grandma, it's Harm." He really hoped that she would take him in, no questions asked.

"What is it Harm, you don't sound 100?" Sarah knew something was seriously wrong; she had scraped her grandson of the pavement too many times not to recognize the hopelessness in his voice.

"Let's just say that this week has been pretty eventful and can I stay with you for a little while."

Sarah knew something was very wrong. Her only real grandchild needed her to help, and help him was what she was going to do. "Harm you are more than welcome."

Harm clicked of the phone and turned to go back inside. He was being released today and he knew Mac would want to take him home. He would not become a burden to her. He was pretty sure she was dying to get back to the spook any way. Once released he would get back to his apartment, send Mac out on an errand, jump in his car and go. Mac could try and find him, but he would be long gone.

**Harm's Hospital Room**

After telling Harriet, Bud, Sturgis, the Admiral and Petty Officer Coates that Harm had woken up, Mac was faced with an immediate barrage of questions pertaining to the health of their dear commander. As Mac really knew very little (due to Harm's abrupt dismissal) there was really very little she could comfort them with. Other than that Harm seemed okay and that he would be coming home with her in order to recuperate.

After that she had told all the family (because that's really what they were) to return home and she would keep everyone posted on Harm's progress.

Returning to the room she packed Harm's meager belongings and straightened out the room ready to leave. Just as she was finishing she noticed Harm's distinguishable figure coming down the corridor.

"Hey Harm, its time to go home, everything is ready." He looked like a lost little boy and Mac vowed to get him better no matter what it took.

"Yeah sure, Mac." Harm knew his running would hurt her, but it was better than her staying in remembrance of a dead friendship.

Mac got one of the doctors to check over Harm before they left, and very shortly they were on their way out of the hospital. It was just three days since Mac's world had been turned inside out by Harriet's call. Yet the pain of both involved parties seemed not to have diminished. Both Harm and Mac were lost in thought about how to protect each other from their pain, they didn't yet realize that to truly heal you must break and then rebuild. A lesson of life they need to learn before their lives could begin again.


End file.
